Some Background Information

My name is Darryl Robbins. My wife's name is Rebecca. We reside in Glasgow, Kentucky, a city in the South Central part of the state. We have four children, all now married, and nine grandchildren.

I am self employed as a construction contractor. I also deal in antique and collectible dinnerware, specializing in Homer Laughlin China, along with many other brands. In fact, you may have found Spirit of Life Homepage by linking from Robbins Nest, our china homepage.

I was saved and became a Christian when I was eight years old while attending a summer church camp, July 14,1958. I grew up as a PK (Preachers kid). Growing up in the church, I sensed the call of God on my life into the ministry at the age of eighteen. I responded. Three days later on August 11, 1968, I preached my first sermon.

My college education was cut short with the tragic and untimely death of my father, Leonard Robbins, in a farm accident. I returned home to help out. The death of my father left two small rural Presbyterian churches with vacant pulpits. Shortly thereafter, both of these churches asked me to serve as pastor. As a Candidate for Ministry (Presbyterian term) I was granted permission by the church governing body to fill the pulpits of the two churches.

It was about this time in my life that I became very, very hungry spiritually. I remember vividly one Sunday morning. I had walked to the back of the church to greet the folks when they would leave. That morning as I waited in the rear of the building for someone to finish the closing prayer, I was simply miserable. Here I was; A kid-pastor who was in need of pastoring------at least in need of something. I was miserable.

My preaching was basically sound in the fundamentals of salvation and the new birth. I could exhort people to attend church, to be nice, and to be faithful to the church with their money. I would often preach that we all needed to draw closer to the Lord and to do more for Him. All-the-while I didn't have a clue as to how to draw closer to the Lord myself, let alone leading anyone else there. I wondered how many more times I could preach the new birth-salvation message to a church full of born again people. I wondered if another be nice-come to church-pay your thithe-do more for the Lord message would do the trick next Sunday. Deep inside, I had my doubts.

On that Sunday morning in the back of that little church I screamed out. It was not heard with natural human ear, for no sound came from my mouth or lips. But there was a scream. On the inside I was screaming out. In the deepest recesses of my being I cried out to God as I said these words:
"God, is this it? Is this all there is to ministry and Christianity?   If this is all there is to it, then stop the train! I want off!"

I left for home that morning a miserable mess. Yet somehow, I knew that The Lord had heard the deep cry in my heart. If memory serves me, this was in the Spring of '71.

A Ray of Hope

For the next three months or so I found some measure of peace. I knew it was only a matter of time before God would answer the deep need that I had. I didn't know how or when. I just knew he would do it. I continued pastoring (if you could really call it that) and otherwise contented myself with farming the small family farm I had bought from my mom. This was needful at the time to help make ends meet financially. Farming wasn't very fulfilling to me. It helped to make ends meet but my heart just wasn't in it.

In the Fall of 1971, I arrived at the Wednesday night service of one of the churches I was pastoring. Before church time, I was mingling and making small talk with some of the people in the church. One of the church elders came through the door and walked up the center isle of the church toward me in a slow, easy, yet deliberate manner and politely waited for me to end my conversation with another person. His name was Larry Perkins . We exchanged our hellos and with a half -grin and tongue-in-cheek, Larry handed me a red paperback book and said, "You really need to read this." I responded with, "OK----and thanks." The name of the book was The Late Great Planet Earth by Hal Lindsey.

When I arrived home that evening, I opened the book and started to read. After the introduction, there was no stopping. I couldn't put it down. Sometime before dawn I had read the whole book. Being a PK, I had heard time and time again that Jesus was coming back to earth and about the end of time. I knew about it in simple, general terms as I'd always heard it preached. But I'd never even thought or heard of the rapture of the church, the tribulation period. And I'd certainly never heard of this beast they referred to as the anti-christ. The hunger for more information on this new subject was, to say the least, overwhelming. After a few hours sleep, I got up and had coffee, resurrection, and antichrist for late morning breakfast. In short order, I had re-read the book once more.

Looking back, I realize that that book changed my life forever. It produced a hunger in me for more and more of God's Word----the Bible. As I searched and read the Bible more and more, it soon became apparent that I had more questions than answers. Still, some measure of my hunger was being met. It would satisfy for some time to come.

Big Larry

In the weeks and months that followed, Larry Perkins and I would talk and fellowship on a regular basis. Larry was a big man. I don't mean in a fat sort of way. He was just a tall, muscular kind of guy. I don't think he ever really knew how strong he was physically. Those who knew him and worked with him did. I could tell you things that I have seen that were frankly, hard to believe. And yet to be so big and strong physically, he was the most gentle, tender-hearted , loving and compassionate man I have ever met in my nearly forty-nine years on planet earth . Being my senior in natural years and having a spiritual quality in his life that was beyond the ordinary, as a young kid preacher, I really respected and looked up to Larry. In the years to come, he would become a father figure to me, naturally in some respects, but especially spiritually.

The Calm Before The Storm

It was during this period of time that I stepped down as pastor of the church where Big Larry attended and assumed the duty in another small, rural church, but we were still in constant fellowship with each other since I still resided in the same community. We were both still searching hard after the things of God in the scriptures. Regardless of what was going on in our lives, the fellowship that Big Larry and I shared together was a constant, on-going event. He became a great source of strength in my life. I believe that God in his great wisdom sends special people into our lives to help us along in our walk. Big Larry was one of those special gifts that He sent into my life.

On August 27, 1972 my son David was born. His mom and I had married before I started out in ministry. We had married awfully young and experienced a lot of the same problems that most young couples face. My son was, and is to this day a great joy and delight to me.

Becoming a father was a new adventure for me. It did in fact fill a void that could only be filled by a son.

The other void in my life was still there. I was still hungry for God. It seemed as though all of my searching and studying served only to increase the hunger. In my search I had noticed something. I noticed that the church that I knew anything about didn't look much like the church I had read about in the Book of Acts. The church had lost something. I concluded that the church had become a pitiful, prayerless, powerless mess. I wondered why. My answer was just around the corner.

The Search Continues

The next time that Big Larry and I were together, I expressed again my own hunger and what I was seeing in the scriptures. I also mentioned my concern about the state and condition of the present-day church. As we talked, he had been wrestling with the same concern. As I now recall it, Big Larry had got up to leave. In the process of leaving, he looked at me and asked a question I had never been asked before. With that sort of half-smile and tongue-in-cheek he said, "What do you know about the baptism of the Holy Spirit?"

Silence. I didn't know anything about it. I just stood there and looked at him and shook my head.

Larry said that he didn't know too much about it either, but that he wanted to know more. As he left, we were in agreement to keep seeking the Lord and studying, and that we would talk some more at a later time.

In the weeks and months which followed, my study time centered around every verse I could find about the Holy Spirit. The book of Acts was saturated with reference after reference about the Holy Spirit in the early church. Acts, chapter two, was of special interest. I knew enough about church history to know that the day of Pentecost was widely accepted as the birthday of the New Testament church. I was also studying the promises that Jesus had made about the coming of His Spirit after His death.

I had heard that such things were no longer valid for today. I had heard it from preachers mostly.

I remember something that happened to me one summer before I had started preaching. It was annual revival time at a little church my dad was pastoring. We had both morning and evening services. It was a good little church with some of the finest people on earth.

It was custom for the pastor and visiting evangelist to go to the home of a church member and 'take dinner' (eat lunch) with them after the a.m. service. Since I was the PK, I went along too. On one of these occasions I had finished my meal, left the table before everyone else and had strolled into the living room to relax on the couch. On the wall behind the couch were two or three shelves loaded down with books, mostly religious in nature, I pulled a book from the shelf entitled, They Speak In Other Tongues. (This book is now highly regarded as a classic on the subject of the infilling of the Holy Spirit and the supernatural manifestation of speaking in tongues). As I sat down, I started reading with a great deal of interest. I was so engrossed in the book I didn't notice when the visiting evangelist came into the room.

"What are you reading there"? Without answering, I just simply handed him the book. He looked at the front, flipped it over and looked at the back, then read for a few seconds from the first page of the book, closed it, then held it out in a pointing gesture toward me. While pointing the book toward me, with a mean looking glare in his eyes, and in an angry voice he said, "YOU DON'T NEED TO BE READING SUCH STUFF AS THIS! THIS IS OF THE DEVIL!" He pitched the book on the coffee table and briskly marched out the front door into the yard. I sat in speechless shock.

I have looked back on that incident with the evangelist many times. I now know that it happened with purpose. It served as a spiritual classroom with me on the front seat. In it I was taught firsthand and up close how pitiful ignorance is, and I saw the meaness, judgmentalism, and anger of the demonic spirit of religious tradition.

Anyway, back to the pilgrimage of Big Larry and myself.

As I continued to study the Bible on the subject of the Holy Spirit, my desire for a deeper, more fulfilling walk with Christ grew. I could see that powerful, supernatural things would happen in the lives of those first believers at Jerusalem. I could see the miracles, the healings, demons being cast out, powerful preaching that would win the lost. And it all hinged on the work of the Holy Spirit operating in their lives. Of that one thing I was sure.

Then I found the one verse that was the clincher. In Acts, chapter two, Peter had preached to the crowd in Jerusalem about Jesus----His life, crucifixion, burial , resurrection and ascension into heaven where he was seated as Saviour and Lord. In response to Peter's preaching, the crowd cried out and ask the apostles what to do. Here is Peter's answer and the two verses I want you to see.

Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptized, every one of you , in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and you shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost. For the promise is unto you, and your children, and to all that are afar off, even as many as the Lord, our God shall call.   Acts 2: 38, 39

I thought about the order given in the verses;

1. Repent
2. Be baptized
3. You shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost.

I knew that the order given in these verses was important. The order that was given really left me with only two choices;

1. That water baptism is essential to the new birth and that the gift of the Holy Ghost was nothing more than the initial entrance into a mans heart and spirit which in fact is the essence of being born again or receiving redemption and eternal life.
2. That repentance and faith alone produce the new birth; the Holy Spirit at that moment makes His initial entrance into your heart and spirit and takes up residence there, producing the new birth and making you a child of God. Shortly thereafter, in obedience, you would be baptized in water which is an outward sign and witness of your death to sin and your resurrection into a new life in God.

Since the doctrine of baptismal regeneration didn't hold much water (no pun intended) with me and since I did believe that repentance and faith alone produced the new birth and made the person a new creature in Christ, I still had to deal with the meaning of the gift of the Holy Ghost.

My conclusion was this: The gift of the Holy Ghost was a separate, distinct work apart from the new birth, which is the initial indwelling of the Holy Spirit. The gift of the Holy Ghost is for all who have been born again and it is for the express purpose of empowering the believer for witnessing through word and supernatural manifestation.

( Note: I will present all of the doctrines we have mentioned so far in greater depth and detail in The Teaching Articles section. We will continue to update this section, so check back with us often.)

So there I sat. I knew in my heart of hearts that the baptism or infilling of the Holy Spirit was a separate and distinct work from the new birth experience. I could also logically conclude from Acts 2: 38 that it was promised to every believer who would ever come to know Jesus as Saviour. I also knew that I had never experienced it; but it wasn't because I didn't want to.

Then there was the question of tongues. I was really shying away from that whole concept, due in no small part to the stern rebuke of the angry little evangelist episode of a few years prior. On top of all that, I had heard lots of comments in church circles about the little run-down "tabernacles" that dotted the country side and about all the strange goings-on in the services of those Pentecostal and Holiness folks. Many regarded them as just plain 'ole' poor and ignorant. I had heard them affectionately referred to as "those people", and the no less endearing term of "holy rollers". Even with these thoughts, I still felt that the experience of the infilling of the Holy Spirit was still valid for today, but I would lay the question of tongues aside. I didn't want to deal with that issue.

It is worth mentioning here that by this time I had been ordained as a Presbyterian preacher. That would later be a real problem for me.

By this time, I was being told by many that my preaching was really improving and that it was with more passion and conviction. I attributed that to the extra amount of time I had spent in prayer and study. During the summer and fall months of that year and the previous year I had been invited to preach several annual revivals in various churches in addition to my pastoring. I was well liked by most and was told by a preacher or two that I had reached the point in my ministry that I could just about write my own ticket as to where I wanted to go and what I wanted to achieve in the Presbyterian church. All of that would soon end.

While avoiding the nagging question of "tongues", I was convinced that I needed and wanted to receive "the baptism". At least that's what Big Larry was calling it. He was really hungry for it too. I had decided that I wanted to receive "the baptism" without all the hassle of having to deal with the tongues issue. At the time, that seemed a pretty wise decision since I really wasn't wild about doing anything that would cause any friction or trouble in the church. Big Larry told me that he wanted the experience so bad that he would take it any way he could get it--------with or without the tongues. It didn't matter to him. All that he knew for sure was that he wanted it. On that, we were both in aggrement.

"The Baptism"

On, or maybe a day or two before New Years Day, 1975, Larry and I had been invited to a home meeting for prayer, Bible study, and fellowship by a mutual friend of ours. Since we were both seeking and were hungry for more of God, we decided to attend.

Big Larry stopped by my place on the evening of the meeting to pick me up. We got in the car and proceeded on to the meeting. It was Jan. 3, 1975.

Upon arrival, we were warmly greeted and proceeded to fellowship for awhile. Some of the people I knew. Some were total strangers (except for the fact that my spirit bore witness that they were brothers and sisters in the Lord.) There was one brother there from Miami, Florida. He was a close friend to a couple who had recently moved to Ky. from Florida. They were also attending the meeting that night. They had also been attending one of the churches that I pastored since coming to Ky. I had come to know both of them pretty well and had been in their home often. We found out that the brother from Florida was also in ministry and that he was pastor of a home fellowship church in North Miami. His name was Bob Weismann. He was a born-again Jew.

The man of the house where we were meeting asked Bob to share with the group, so Bob invited everyone into a large dining room and seated himself on one side of the table and opened his Bible. It was convenient for Big Larry and me to be seated on the opposite side of the table directly across from Bob. Others were seated around the table, more chairs were brought in, and some simply sat in the floor around the wall.

After introducing himself, Bob began teaching on the Holy Spirit. Without going into specific detail, he covered many of the scriptures that Larry and I had been studying plus a bunch more, which only served to make clearer what we already knew------ that the baptism of the Holy Spirit was in fact, for believers today. A few times while Bob was teaching I would reach over with my elbow and nudge Big Larry. He would look at me with that little half- smile, tongue-in-cheek look. Then I saw it. There was a sparkle in Big Larry's eyes. I think we both knew that if we didn't receive "the baptism" that night, we were going to miss an awfully good chance to do so.

When Bob had finished, he asked if there were any questions. There were some as I recall , but there was one question that would set the stage for what was soon to follow. Someone asked, "How do you receive the infilling of the Holy Spirit"? The little curly-headed Jew preacher answered the question with a question, "Is there anyone here who wants to receive the baptism of the Holy Spirit"? As I nudged Larry in the side, we were both raising our hands at the same time, along with a few others. I knew this was it. I could sense it deep down.

Bob came around the table and stood behind me. Another brother who had traveled with him from Florida joined him. I later learned that he was an elder in Bob's house church. I was told to pray as they prayed for me and to ask the Lord to fill me with His Spirit. We started praying and as I asked the Lord to fill me with His Spirit, I felt hands being laid upon my head. I had read about this in the scriptures, so I wasn't really shocked. Almost immediately I sensed and felt the Presence of the Lord around and upon me. It was like wave after wave of liquid love coming over me. Even to this day it is hard to describe in words. At the same time I sensed and was aware if an inner, sweet, yet powerful cleansing, and a joy deep on the inside of me that cannot to this day be described. It just kept coming and filling. I started laughing while crying tears of joy at the same time. I lifted my hands toward heaven and wanted to praise Him for what He was doing in my life. But I couldn't find words that were adequate to say what I wanted to express to Him. As I opened my mouth and attempted to praise and thank Him, I sensed what I would describe as a gushing up, a pushing up, from deep on the inside of me. That surge, that gushing up came out of my mouth in the form of words I had never heard or learned. The joy of their release was just as wonderful as the inner filling that I continued to experience. I kept praising Him in my new language. About this time my knees became as weak as jelly. Falling on my knees to the floor, the praise in tongues just kept on coming out. The more I praised, the more I was being filled. The more I was filled the more I wanted to praise. It was beginning to take a toll on me physically. I didn't know how much more I could take. It was an act of mercy to me when the experience started to mellow out. I couldn't have stood much more.

For an unknown period of time, I had been totally unaware of what was going on around me. By this time, Big Larry had been prayed for and was standing with his big hands raised nearly to the ceiling. He was praising the Lord quite loudly and had a beautiful smile on his face while doing so. Others were praising the Lord while some prayed. There was laughter. There were tears of joy. The Majestic Presence of the Lord literally filled the whole house. I had never seen anything like it. I cannot tell you about the joy and inner peace that I felt on the inside. It was beyond description.

On the way home, Larry told me that he had in fact been filled with the Holy Spirit. He did express some concern about not being able to release fully what he had experienced. I knew he was referring to the tongues. Still, as we rode along, we were quite content and happy. We both knew that we had found what we had been looking for. Larry's old Buick Electra was filled with a lot of praise and joy that night. It was nearly one a.m. when I was dropped off at home.

A couple of days later I found out from Big Larry that as he was walking to the barn the morning after the meeting, he had received a fresh, powerful infilling of the Holy Spirit. He related that while walking along in the pre-dawn hours, and while praising and thanking the Lord for what He had done in his life, that the Presence of The Lord came upon him and in him. Overwhelmed, he fell to his knees in the ditch beside the road and began to praise and worship the Lord in other tongues. Needless to say, he was over-joyed.

We both were to find that in the days to come, the God-given ability to speak in other tongues would be of immense value. It would open up a completely new and powerful avenue in prayer that would be priceless.

It wasn't long until some of us were meeting in homes one night a week for fellowship, praise and worship, and Bible study. Although the meetings were quite informal, we could always count on an atmosphere of love and the Presence of the Holy Spirit. In time, some of the gifts of the Spirit mentioned in 1 Corinthians 12: 4-11 were starting to manifest in the meetings. The meetings grew in attendance and those in attendance were growing by leaps and bounds. Many were receiving " the baptism." Within a year's time the meetings had continued to be blessed by the Lord. It was the highlight of the week for many.

I was still pastoring two Presbyterian churches.

All Hell Breaks Loose

Allow me to take a break from the story and explain something to you that is very important.
I hope I have not led you to believe that after you receive the infilling of the Holy Spirit that everything automatically turns up peaches and cream and we all live happily ever after. Please hear me when I tell you that nothing could be farther from the truth. When a person receives revelation as to the truth and validity of the baptism of the Holy Spirit and enters into that experience by faith, they are immediately thrust into a complete new dimension of spiritual experience. The Bible begins to read like a new book. You can now see things in it's pages you have never seen before. Your prayer life becomes more effective. You are able to have deep discernment of spirits----both good and bad. Because of this, you become a real threat to the kingdom of darkness. You are added to the Devil's hit list. Better make yourself battle-ready. You are now in a very real war. You need to know that. Back to the story.

I failed to mention that my wife in due course had also received the baptism of the Holy Spirit. She played the guitar in our meetings and helped lead the praise and worship. She was also writing a lot of new songs that were an added blessing to the meetings. One day Big Larry pulled into our driveway, knocked on the door and came walking into the house carrying a guitar case. He had heard my wife mention one time that she would like to have a new twelve string guitar. Larry handed the case to Connie and said, " It's yours". Opening the case, she found a brand new, rather expensive twelve string. She broke down and cried like a baby. With a smile on his face and a "praise the Lord" on his lips, Larry gave her a hug and told both of us how much he loved us; then he left. I don't know who was blessed the most---Connie or Big Larry.

Things were going well at this time. I was growing spiritually. People were maturing and being blessed in the house meetings. Things were up to par in the two churches I was pastoring. It wasn't going to last.

The word was getting out into the community about the house meetings. Some of the Presbyterian brothers were talking-------behind my back of course. True facts about the meeting were beginning to be lost in the midst of rumor, gossip, he said that she said. You get the picture.

Prominent Presbyterian preachers, three in particular, either took it upon themselves or were assigned (I never did know which) to "investigate" the matter. In a short time I was to be brought before the Presbyterian governing body which consisted of several pastors and elders from different churches in south central Kentucky. In all likelihood I would be brought into a church 'trial' on charges of teaching and practicing doctrines of heresy------in other words, false doctrine.

At this stage of the game, I found that the community was abuzz. Speculation, gossip, and straight-out lies were spreading like wildfire, both in and outside church circles. The people in our house meetings were being accused of wife swapping, devil worship, and everything in between. It was a pretty serious time. Looking back, I can find the humor in all of it, but I can tell you that it sure wasn't funny while it was happening. At that time it was an ugly mess

During all of this, I came to the mid-week services of one of the churches I was pastoring and was informed by the elders that my services were no longer needed. No discussion. No questions asked by me. No questions asked of me. Over. Finished. End of story.

Rather than put myself and the other church through an awkward situation, I informed those elders of my resignation. It came as no surprise when it was readily accepted.

Things looked pretty bleak. I was told that I would probably be brought up on charges of heresy, and that a strong attempt would probably be made for a full-blown church trial. People that I talked to about the matter seemed to think it would probably go one of two ways-----------I would be charged with heresy and go through some sort of religious system kangaroo court, be found guilty as charged and kicked out of the Presbyterian church.

The other option would be to face the charges, admit guilt, deny the validity of my experience, ask the church to forgive me, go through a period of Presbyterian rehab and, in time, maybe I would get to pastor again, provided of course that I behaved.

Those were the options. I didn't like either one of them.

The semi-annual meeting of the church governing body (Presbytery) was not to far off. Presbytery was comprised of the pastors and elders of several Presbyterian churches in South Central Kentucky. They were responsible for the business and spiritual concerns of the church beyond the local church level.

When the day arrived, I drove alone to the said meeting of Presbytery. Something on the inside told me that it wasn't going to be a pleasant situation. When I arrived at the host church site, it would be the ultimate understatement to say that I was a little uncomfortable as I got out of the car and started walking toward the entrance of the church building.

Entering, I had this sick feeling. The place was packed. Presbyterian folk who were neither pastors or elders were in attendance. It was common to have a few visitors in these types of meetings, but today they had come from far and near to witness the spectacle. As I walked in and looked for a place to be seated, I could literally feel the looks; the stares. The expressions of disgust, disdain, and contempt were not hard to see on a lot of faces. It wasn't a good day. I felt like a two-headed, triple-tailed , growth infested, mutant goldfish on display in a well lit bowl at the checkout counter of a busy pet store. It was awful.

The only things missing as I entered were boos, jeers, and heckling from the crowd. With these, the whole event could have easily taken on the air of some sort of sporting event.

The one bright spot that I could find when I made the grand entrance was to be found in the face Of - you guessed it - Big Larry. When I looked at him, he nodded. With a gentle smile, he literally radiated love in my direction. As an elder, he represented the church he was attending. I was glad he was there.

As I was being seated, I couldn't help but think about Big Larry. He knew it was going to be a tough day for me. I was pretty sure the following Sunday at his home church wasn't going to be a picnic for him either. His pastor was one of the three preachers who was carrying out the investigation of our supposed mis-conduct. As I sat down, I started praying silently in the spirit. I needed wisdom about this whole situation.

The morning session was pretty well filled with petty business matters. Had my mind not been occupied with things of a more weightier matter, I would have been bored to tears. Rest assured. I wasn't bored. I was becoming a little anxious, and frankly, fearful about what was yet to come. I just kept praying. The padded pews didn't seem to make things much easier.

At lunch break I was systematically avoided like the plague. Big Larry and a few others were the only exceptions.

The afternoon session commenced with more mundane church business. It was finished off in short order. I sensed that my time in the arena was getting close at hand. Thankfully, the Holy Spirit had instructed me as to how I was to respond to what was coming.

Let The Games Begin

One of the investigating preachers sought recognition of the chair. Gaining such, he proceeded to inform the gathering that their church had been "infiltrated by Charismatics". He then started singing his song about the "false doctrine" and "practices" that were being conducted in a certain "house prayer meeting". He went on to explain that such doctrines as the baptism of the Holy Spirit, speaking in other tongues, and the gifts of the Spirit did not and should not have any place in Presbyterian doctrine or practice. He explained in some detail the harmful effects that would follow if such practice were allowed to continue. I was named as the chief culprit and instigator of the false doctrine-house meeting problem.

Concluding his remarks, he recommended that I be charged with heresy and that a future date be set for a church trial before the Presbytery. This was put in the form of a motion. It received a "second" from someone in the crowd. The chair then opened the floor for discussion on the motion.

As I rose slowly to my feet, you could have heard a pin drop. Addressing the chair, I asked for permission to speak. It was granted. I told of my experience of the baptism of the Holy Spirit and that I felt that I had done nothing wrong, at least not according to the scriptures. With that statement the moderator whacked the gavel rather sharply and told me that I was out of order. The tension in the air was so thick you could have cut it with a knife. I turned away from the chairman toward the crowd and continued to speak. I told them that I had no desire whatsoever of putting the church or myself through the gory ordeal of a church trial and that I was not about to deny the Lord nor would I deny the glorious experience of being filled with His Spirit.

By this time, a few people had tears running down their cheeks. They may not have fully understood what I was talking about, but there was something on the inside telling them that what I had experienced had merit. They also knew that what they were witnessing was a religious sham.

Turning again to the moderator, I requested that my name be removed from the Presbytery's roll of ministers. I proceeded down the center aisle toward the door. I sensed some disappointment in the crowd that the whole thing had not escalated into a free-for-all-verbal-preacher-war. That was not to be. By God's wisdom, the whole charade was over about as quick as it had started.

Showdown With God

What do you do if you are a preacher, you've lost the churches that you pastored, you are no longer recognized by or have a part in the church in which you were raised, you're broke, you have no job and don't know where you are going to get one or what you are going to do?

Give up?????? Want me to tell ya???????

Okay----Here's what you do. You get mad and bitter!!! That's what you do!!! At least that's what I did. Ashamed to admit it? Yes, but it was true nonetheless.

In the days following the Presbytery episode, I noticed that I was really struggling with prayer. I had lost much of my interest in Bible study. When I attended the house meetings I found it next to impossible to enter into or enjoy praise and worship. I was grumpy and short with people around me. I was a mess.

One of the brothers approached me and told me that if I was going to get on with my life, I'd better get before the Lord and deal with bitterness and unforgiveness toward the people that had hurt me. I wasn't overjoyed when he told me that, but I knew he was shooting straight with me for my own good.

Bitterness and unforgiveness are the byproducts of self-centerness. If you are wronged or hurt by someone, it becomes quite easy to become engrossed in self-pity. Watch this. Here is the thought pattern of most people when they have been hurt or wronged by someone else.
What they did really hurt me.
I don't deserve this.
Why did this happen to me?
I'm miserable because of what they did.

The examples are as varied as a persons' thought pattern. An endless list could be made. The common thread that runs through this type of thought pattern is obvious. Self, I and me are at the center. As long as poor little ole' pitiful me is at the center, we will be cut off from the experience of the Lordship of Jesus.

So long as self is at the center, self is lord and ruler. That's why forgiveness is so important. Forgiveness deals with hurt and bitterness in your life before they are given opportunity to produce self-pity, which in turn, will enthroning self as lord over your life. When that happens, you are one sick spiritual mess.

I was bitter at the organized church generally and the three investigating preachers in particular. I saw them as the cause of my hurt. I had said some pretty ugly things about them.

It was time for a showdown with God. When the Holy Spirit started dealing with me about forgiveness, I told Him that if I was going to forgive those that had hurt me, I'd have to have His help. I sure couldn't do it on my own.

You will never walk in forgiveness with your own ability. Forgiveness is totally contrary to the carnal, fleshly, fallen nature of man. Unless you are enabled by the Spirit, you will never forgive anyone.

I asked the Lord for His help in the matter and to give me the supernatural ability of His Spirit to forgive. In the Spirit, He told me to name every one that I was bitter toward and forgive them. When I named the name of the first person and uttered the words, 'I forgive you', I started weeping. Through tears, I named each person one by one, and out of my heart, forgave them. When I had finished, I cannot tell you what a burden and weight had been lifted off of me. I then asked the Lord to forgive me of the bitterness and unforgiveness toward others. I had been freed from weeks of misery. It was tremendous.

I cannot stress enough the importance of forgiveness. It is a major key to spiritual maturity. Ask Him for the ability to forgive others. Be quick to forgive when the need arises.

A Season Of Peace

By this time Connie and I had both gone into the work place and found jobs. The house meetings were still going full steam and I was teaching pretty often. Things had started to settle down a bit. Problems were pretty well confined to the every day normal hassles of living that we all deal with.

There was still some talk and gossip floating around, but everybody in the group had either learned to take what was being said to or about them with a grain of salt, laugh it off, or just simply ignore it altogether. We just weren't wasting much time or energy with it.

Over the next three or four years, things were pretty good. Nearly everybody in the group was having their fleshly, carnal nature dealt with by the Holy Spirit. Everyone knew that that was needful and normal if we were going to grow spiritually.

At times there would be strong differences of opinion about certain beliefs and doctrines and differences over what and how things should be done in the meetings. Given a little time, most issues were resolved, simply because everybody was doing their homework in prayer and study, and, by God's grace, they continued to love, forgive, and to change when they saw that they might be wrong about something. All of this was opportunity for growth and maturity.

More Dark Days

I started noticing that things were not exactly right at home. I couldn't pinpoint the problem but I knew there was one. There was a heaviness in the house. I started to experience moods of depression. Communication gradually started breaking down. In time, there was hardly any communication at all. I went deeper into depression.

We did not seek any help from anyone. That was because of pride on my part. Maybe on both of our parts. I do not know that for sure. I know that to be the truth about myself.

Coming home one afternoon, I found that Connie had taken a few necessary items and that she and my son David had moved in with one of her closest friends. We would be separated for nearly a year.

After an eight month separation, divorce papers were filed. We were within a day or two of signing the papers.

Connie and I talked again, as we had a number of times before. We decided to make one final attempt to reconcile before a divorce. The attempt was short-lived and unsuccesful.

Divorce papers were re-written, signed and finalized in the courts. A thirteen year marriage was over.

I am not going to go into all of the details as to why this all happened. It would take volumns to cover all of the not so pleasant details. It is best left in simplicity.

Divorce "victims", for lack of a better term , experience a deep, deep hurt and wound that is hard to describe. The hurt and grief spills over into the lives of others around them. If children are involved in a failed marriage, they will be hurt deeply as innocent "victims". Friends and other family members will be hurt or affected by it one way or another.

Big Larry was hurt deeply by it. I saw him weep bitterly on several occasions. He did so in private prayer time as well. He never found fault, criticized, judged or rejected us. When we asked for his help or opinion, he would share what he had in a compassionate, redeeming manner. He never stopped loving either one of us -----------never.

In about one year I would remarry. It was a total mistake and not within the will of God. It to would end in divorce. It was an attempt on my part to fill a deep hurt and void in my life the wrong way. Only the Lord can heal and fix a broken heart or wounded spirit.

Through the whole period of the two divorces, I pretty much avoided other people. Other than people that I saw during the work day, I stayed pretty much to myself. These were some of the darkest days of my life. The times I spent with my son were about the only bright spots.

Many of those who were attending the house meetings started branching out into their own ministries or going into other church situations. A couple of the brothers and their wives had headed off to Bible college. When I needed him, Big Larry was always close by and sometimes I would go by and pay him a visit.

During this period of my life, I often dealt with a spirit of depression. More accurately, it dealt with me. At times I entertained thoughts of just ending it all. I felt like a complete and utter failure. I had little use for myself and I felt that no one else did either. There were only two things that kept me from ending it all;
1 Prayer (praying with my understanding and especially------ especially praying in other tongues; praying in the spirit.)
2 The abiding conscience Presence of the Lord in the Person of the Holy Spirit. In the still of the night, He would often speak into my spirit, call me by name, and tell me that He loved me. Priceless.

Had it not been for Him I would have taken my life. It would have been stolen from me and I would have missed fulfilling God's ultimate, pre-destined purpose for my life. All thanks and praise to Him for His abiding, loving Presence.

It Ain't Over 'Til It's Over

The road to recovery started opening up to me and once again I would deal with the bitterness and forgiveness question regarding past hurts inflicted by others. And believe me, I had been hurt and had done my fair share of hurting right back.

Why am I telling all of this? Well, it's sure not because it's any fun. It can be just a little humiliating to tell other people( especially those you don't even know or have never met) about all of your failures, weakness, bad decisions, unforgiveness, hatred, and your inability or unwillingness to seek the Lord in the dark times of your life.

So, why am I doing it? Let me tell you why.

SO THAT OTHER BELIEVERS WHO ARE OR HAVE GONE THROUGH SOME ROTTEN THINGS IN THEIR LIVES CAN HAVE HOPE!!!!! AND, TO LET YOU KNOW THAT EVEN IF YOU HAVE FAILED AND FAILED MISERABLY AND PEOPLE HAVE GIVEN UP ON YOU, AND YOU HAVE GIVEN UP ON YOURSELF, AND YOU DON'T SEE ANY HOPE THAT THERE IS HOPE!!!!!!! IT AIN'T OVER TIL IT'S OVER AND GOD IS NOT FINISHED WITH YOU YET!!!!!!!

Again, one of the great keys to overcoming in your life is forgiveness.
1. Forgive others who have hurt or wronged you. The Holy Spirit is always ready to help you do this. He knows you can't do it on your own.
2. Ask for and accept His forgiveness in your own life.
3. Learn to forgive yourself.
4. Ask others to forgive you if you have wronged or hurt them.

At this point in my life, I looked back on all the things that had happened. I saw something very important. The importance of consistent fellowship with God.

If you are at a point in your Christian experience that allows you to know the value of daily, intimate fellowship with Jesus, through the Holy Spirit, then learn to discipline yourself to maintain that fellowship on a consistent basis. Failing to do so will open you up to about anything the enemy wants to throw at you. In fellowship, you walk in His strength, wisdom and guidance. When not in fellowship, you are, for the most part, limited to your own strength and wisdom. What you have within yourself is not enough. You will be easy pickins' for the enemy.

If you are out of fellowship with Him, the next best hope is that other believers who are in fellowship with Him will take up your slack and pray for you during this time. But I wouldn't put a lot of stock in that. (I don't mean that as a criticism in no way, shape or form). I simply mean that there is nothing that can replace your own time and fellowship with the Lord.

On The Road (to recovery) Again

Alone. At least as far as a relationship or being married was concerned. To work and back home. Lots of time to think. Lots of time to repair broken fellowship with the Lord. Alone,-----and yet never alone. I learned to pray and talk to God in the same way that I would talk to you or anyone else that would be in the room with me. I was praying, not in a religious way but in a real way. Day by day, a fuller dimension of peace and clearness of thought and spirit would come into my life.

I concluded that I would probably never re-marry. Oddly enough, I was not the least bit alarmed at the thought. I became quite content within my self. I really didn't know what was around the next bend as far as my life was concerned, but I did know for sure that at this point in time Darryl Robbins was at peace with himself and the Lord.

Things went down a pretty normal path for the next year or so. The peace of the Spirit was the big thing I had going for me during this time. For the first time in my life I was even learning to like myself.

Although at peace, the thought of ministry would sometimes surface. I had pretty well convinced myself however that ministry, at least publicly, was finished. I came to this conclusion based on the attitude of most people about ministers who had been divorced. That, coupled with the fact that I had been rejected by the organized church made any possibility of public ministry pretty remote in my mind. I knew I had a call on my life, but my own thoughts, as well as the often spent opinions of others on the subject of my ministry made future prospects pretty remote, if not altogether non-existent.

My 'church' at this time was in the form of very informal fellowship, prayer and discussion of the scripture with a few Spirit-filled brothers and sisters in the Lord.

I had also sold my house at this time and was living in a basement apartment of a Christian couple that I was pretty close to.

Church? Did You Say Church?

For a season I was content with my own personal study and prayer, along with the fellowship I was having with others. It was really amazing to me during this time as to how much light and revelation was coming from the scriptures as I read it.

One night as I laid down in bed, I started praying and worshipping the Lord. I had learned that prayer was a two way street. It is normal in prayer to speak your heart to God. It is also normal to expect Him to speak His heart to you if you will be still and listen. I would soon be shocked and surprised at what I was about to hear.

In the stillness, calmly, yet very clearly, the Holy Spirit spoke into my spirit and said these words: " I want a church in this area set on a firm foundation. Will you do it"?

I was shocked. I couldn't believe what I had heard in my spirit. I questioned what I had heard. I questioned the Lord about it. I ask for clarity on the matter. This went on for some time. Questioning, searching, considering, wondering, praying, listening. I would deal with this for several days. God had expressed His desire to me and had literally threw it in my lap and was waiting for my response and action. I continued to weigh and pray. I wasn't about to jump into something without peace or clarity. In fact, I wasn't sure I even wanted to do it. I was also dealing with the divorce question.

It is commonly accepted in a lot of churches that divorce dis-qualifies a person from ministry, so I was giving that a lot of thought, study-------and prayer. To make a long story short, the Holy spirit started shooting holes through the divorce question.

I can tell you with great assurance that the whole concept of divorce disqualifying a person for ministry is a deceptive bill of goods that the Devil has rather successfully sold to the church. The whole idea revolves around a couple of scriptures taken out of their original intended context, followed by a carnal, fleshly, self-serving interpretation of those scriptures.

As a result, the church comes up the loser. Denying ministry to other believers with a call on their lives who have been to hell and back, and have won, is, and probably will continue to leave a deep void in ministry that is so desperately needed in the church world today. May the Spirit give the church enough grace to see that.

With the divorce question settled and out of the way, I found myself faced with making a choice. I honestly didn't want to go back into publicly ministry and I had used the divorce thing as a convenient excuse to avoid the whole issue. God didn't buy it. Looking back now, I'm glad He didn't.

I put out a 'feeler' in the direction of the couple who owned the apartment where I was living. They were elated with the idea and asked when we were going to start. With a rather strong leading from the Lord and with confirmation from two other believers, I was running out of excuses or stall time.

It just so happened that there was a hardware store that had gone out of business in the community where we lived. I knew the owner real well. On a chance meeting one day, I asked him what he was going to do with the building. I also told him we were looking for a place to hold church services. He responded by saying he would sell it if we were interested. If we wanted to clean the place up and get started right away, that was fine with him. We could work out a deal rent-wise and buy the building later on as things progressed. It seemed almost too easy. Within a couple of weeks we were holding our first Sunday morning service.

Without going into all the history, the church from it's beginning grew steadily. The building was partially remodeled while I was there to meet growing needs. I pastored there for four years. These were some of the happiest, most rewarding years of my life. To this day the church continues to grow under the leadership of a dear brother. They are presently in the process of a major, I mean major building program. It was and is of God.

I was content with myself, with God, with pastoring, and, with being single.

Then I met Becky

Actually we had known each other for years, had lived in the same community and had gone to grade and high school together. She too had gone through the pain and hurt that divorce always brings. She had three lovely daughters, two in their teens and the youngest about to get there.

We started seeing a lot of each other. We talked quite often about past hurts and failures in our lives. As our relationship continued, it also intensified in a romantic sort of way. We talked at long length about being sure of what was happening and of being sure of any long term commitments to each other. We both knew that it would have to be right and that the Lord would have to be at the center of it. We would give it some time.

I finally ask Becky to marry me. She accepted.

On our wedding day, I had a few anxious moments. Becky was late! When she did arrive and when I turned and saw her being escorted down the aisle by her Dad, I had this full and final knowing on the inside that it was right. We wrote our own vows and planned our wedding in such a way that attention was focused on Him and the grace, mercy and healing He had brought into our lives. Those who knew what we had both been through in our past wept tears of joy for us that day. The day was Nov. 1, 1985.

Becky is a special gift from God into my life. I could not ask for more in a wife or companion. In spite of all my failures and short-comings she continues to love me anyway. She believes in me and in the call of God on my life. Because of past hurts, she has learned how to reach out to others in a compassionate, real and genuine way. We have been together thirteen plus years and are blessed.

Are we perfect? Far from it. Do we have all the answers? Hardly. But we know the One who is perfect and who does have all the answers. His name is Jesus.

As Becky and I move into a new dimension of ministry together, our hope and prayer to Him is that we might decrease so that He can increase and through us find an avenue to touch and help those who desperately need Him.

A Final Note

In the early morning hours of August 26, 1997 I received a call and was informed that Big Larry had been taken to the hospital. The family had requested that I come. Arriving at the hospital, I found Larry's mom, Donnie, his wife, the three children, a son-in-law, Larry's pastor and a neighbor couple in a hallway just to the side of the emergency room. The youngest daughter, Kenny came toward me. With a hug, and before I could hardly speak, with tear-filled eyes she said, "Daddy's gone".

Big Larry had visited with me a short time before. We had talked and shared together for some length of time about the things of the Lord as we had done so many times before. Before he left he expressed some concern about some health problems. He told me that he didn't fear death and that the only regret he would have about leaving would be his family. Then, with an ever so faint smile on his face and in a voice that was filled with as much peace as is possible for a mortal to possess, he said these words, "But I sure wouldn't mind being in the Presence of the Lord".

With a prophets anointing, Big Larry could minister a right-now word from the Lord into a persons life. Only eternity will reveal the impact and blessing that Big Larry brought into my life, Becky's life, and countless other lives.

Dear God, how I miss him.

As water reflects a face so a man's heart reflects the man   Proverbs 27:19 NIV